against your rules, against your skin

Got a new icon

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From a meme post on Tegaki from a while back... just wanted a change of pace I guess.

Today was a bit better than yesterday... it's a little warmer and not raining like hell. But I was still grumpy because I stayed up until midnight last night drawing and was wicked tired all day. I almost gave up on sitting through chem and escaped to guidance, but Abba and Marlu were there to cheer me up.

I just feel like.... my standards for myself have gone down lately. I dunno. Like I'm not throwing myself into homework and tests and stuff like I usually do because i've been so utterly discouraged by my progress reports. I just don't feel like its worth it anymore.

And god, my mother. I love her so much, but the last thing I need after finding out i'm barely passing Chem is to come home and have her say "oh, Molly..." like i'm not trying my best. I AM. I know I could go into that whole routine, "you don't know how it feels," but I wont because we both know its bullshit. I just want her to look down on me less. I am trying so damn hard, and just because my test grade doesn't show that doesn't make it less true.

I just feel like it's going to be an incredibly long week, and I dont know if i'm mentally or emotionally ready to deal with that. I feel fragile as glass right now. I almost cried yesterday afternoon, just cause I was so exhausted and didn't want to go to dance. I'm so out of patience for everyone and everything, I hate that i've been tired and snippy with my friends, because by no means do they deserve it.

And it's times like these I find myself going back to old, awful things I used to do... when I was in middle school, I used to think that having a boyfriend would make things like this go away. That having someone with that level of intimacy would make this stuff better. But I can say now that it often doesn't, and that I have to deal with it, for the most part, for myself.

But that's another thing that got me thinking... for some reason i've been thinking about my ex alot lately, not because I want to go back to him or anything, but just wondering why I remember him as a clingy weirdo, which he definitely wasn't. I think it's because my standards are too high. I see all this fairytale romance in movies and literature, but it's not always like that. Even my parents' marriage-- it might not be like that for me. I should just be enjoying them as they are, these little things, because I can't hold myself back from enjoying the boyfriends i'll have before I find that boyfriend.

I dunno. It's just so childish, all of it. I wish I wouldn't think things like that.

I'm also super sorry to Ema today, because I think I made her angry with me. I'm sorry, Ronny, that I couldn't get my book for you and that I made you move your quizzes back. I know with Ms. Bitch you weren't exactly in the mood to deal with that, and i'm sorry... just, whatever I did to piss you off, i'm sorry for it.

I need something, anything good to happen right now. Things i'm usually excited about i'm not anymore. Even my art projects seem like a chore now, and I hate it. It was my baby sister's birthday yesterday and I spent the night in my room doing nothing at all. I am so. damn. spent.

Man. TL;DR. Sorry~~ Ignore my emo whining. I just needed to get some things straight with myself.

Currently~
Mood: impatient
Music: Sleepyhead--Passion Pit
Video: n/a
Lit: Ordinary People--Judith Guest